"properly practiced, knitting soothes
and it doesn't
hurt the untroubled spirit either."
Friday, April 11, 2008
Here Bloggie, Bloggie, Bloggie
The last couple of weeks have been very strange. A weird combination of really bad and kinda good and a lot of thinking and making decisions and getting well and truly tired of stupid people. Vague enough, for you?
Well, here's two bad and one good to give you some insight as to where my head is (oh, and you'll probably read this and think "My GOD, when will she stop with the whining?!" For that, I apologize.)
Thing the FIRST--I've titrated off of my anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds and it's turning out to be very hard. I'm finding out that I'm not nearly as nice (or at least well-balanced) as I was on them. I did really well for the first month or so, so I didn't worry about it. Then I started having truly depths-of-the-blues kinds of days. I felt like everyone was against me--for instance, my boss sent me what seemed to be an unnecessarily critical email and she copied a bunch of people that didn't need to be involved in what should have been between us. I took it extremely personally.
The Boy tried to talk me down by telling me I was overreacting. Do you know how well someone who is overreacting takes the criticism that they are overreacting? Think about it.
I've also found myself filled with massive, mindless rage. I'm a pretty even-tempered person most of the time, and yet I was becoming an absolutely dangerous crazy person in the car. Honking, screaming at the top of my lungs (till my throat was raw and my voice affected), throwing things around the car. I was unspeakably angry all the time, and couldn't place it. I thought it was some ridiculously bad PMS (which I don't really get much, so that in itself would make it weird), but I've realized that this is all connected. Partly because with the rage comes crushing, massive sadness. I cried when the new TV didn't seem to work; when the woman on the freeway cut me off; when my co-worker said something that seemed unjust (though I did this in private, obviously).
Needless to say, this has not been easy. Sigh.
Thing the SECOND--Maybe connected to thing the first, maybe not, I'm finding myself really, really offended by my co-worker and he thinks he is just soooo funny. I think I've mentioned before that in my office we have a couple of women who have no discernible boundaries--flatulence, belching, talking about their sex lives; nothing is off-limits. Well, the biggest offender of all of them (a woman) is leaving. And I am SO relieved. Maybe my office will become a bit more respectable and professional. Evidently, the fact that I have these kinds of thoughts (that the office is not the place for some of this behavior) make me some kind of freak, and my (male) co-worker has decided to point this out to me. Every single day for two weeks.
He's making a video for the going-away and was coming up with little sketches for each of the people in the office that are supposed to epitomize their character or their persona in the office. He told me that he couldn't come up with one for me because I'm so dull. He said this like I should laugh with him. When I asked him what he meant, he said, "You know, you're not really a character. You're serious and don't laugh at their fart-jokes." I suppose I am dull if that's the definition!
My friend/co-worker and I were discussing this because she was accused of the same thing but she can just shake it off, whereas I can't seem to do so. We were both wondering what was wrong with being 'nice' or 'responsible' or you know, 'not gross.' I wish I could drop it, but I can't. Mostly because he won't. Each day he tells me how dull I am and why. I know it sounds stupid, but it's really hurting my feelings. Maybe I'm overreacting--see thing the first. But I just don't see how it's funny to denigrate someone who you're supposedly friends with (he and his wife and The Boy and I have gone out together, he always wants to talk all the time about the things we have in common--cats, interest in tech, Firefly/Serenity, etc.).
To top this all off, I found out that he asked someone from outside our office to participate in the video to do something pretty risque that the woman leaving is known for and she told him that she wasn't sure because she didn't want me to tell on her. WHAT???
Honey, if I'd wanted to bust any of you for inappropriate behavior, sexual innuendo or anything else, I would have done it long ago. OMG. !!
This, of course, makes me wonder what, exactly, my co-workers say about me outside the office. I'd say that--with the exception of them knowing my feelings on the fart machine and my discomfort with some of their topics that they feel the need to discuss at full volume during business hours while I'm on a business call--everyone gets along (or pretends to) really well. How disillusioning to find out that they really don't like me and in fact say nasty things about me behind my back.
I've suspected it all along. I mean, they've made no secret of the fact that they consider me hopelessly weird because I knit, talk about my hobby, love my husband, don't say all kinds of vulgar things about men--and women--I don't know, etc. But this hit me hard. Again, don't know why it should, but I think I'm a pretty good sport, go along with a lot of things and have put up with ALOT of crap for three years. Only to find out that I am a DULL NARC.
Sucks sucks sucks.
Thing the THIRD--I am more thankful than ever for my knitting group. (See the banner for OC Knitting Meetup Group at right ---->). It is seriously my therapy right now. When I am extremely down, feeling beaten by the world, don't think I can manage one more person, I go to my group and get rejuvenated. We are all so diverse, and yet some of us have a surprising (alarming?) number of things in common besides knitting. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I was reading Stephanie's new book and she talks about Stitch 'n Bitch or Knit Night groups and how we come together over knitting and form such a strong bond. Naturally this made me cry, thinking of my own group, but it's so true! I have been able to tell some of the women in the group both things one and two above, and gotten such nice responses and much-needed perspective (such as pointing out that I do indeed have a sense of humor; it's just not the same as those of the people in my office). I can come to them with my health concerns, my anger, my pain, my feelings of self-righteousness, and they help straighten me out.
Fresh eyes and caring friends. Thank God for them! They're keeping me sane right now.